Adjustments

Haven�t blog for a while because I needed sometime to �reconsolidate� my life especially at this juncture after I �transcended� from a Miss to a Mrs, into another plane of existence altogether. I don�t think I went into marriage with rose-tinted glasses but reality still takes a bit of getting used to and more often than not, I do have to �scale-down� my previously held expectations. In any case, there are just so much adjustment going on right now that I just needed sometime to get a hold of myself, perhaps even reconfigure who I am and what I want to be, taking stock of where I am at this moment, family-wise and work-wise.

It is hard to pen anything thoughts down coherently about being married after the wedding and the weeks that followed because I hardly had time to untangle all these new experiences before they were compounded by my overseas trip, work-related anxiety/stress and general load-of-crap. The only time I have for myself might be those snippets of hours when I vegged out infront of the TV before bedtime just so that I could be mentally distracted from reality. Other times, I am just busy tackling life on the whole and everyone that�s connected with it. It is at times frustrating and definitely physically and mentally draining. And that�s just at work�

I think I might have overloaded myself trying to do everything and be everything without first thinking through what is it I really want to achieve now. It�s knowing that I am the same but perhaps functioning at a different playing field. I want to do the things I used to do and though it is true, life shouldn�t change at the point of being married but yet, I can�t pretend that everything remains the same. I have new responsibilities and priorities that I cannot simply ignore or pretend not to exist just because I want to stick to �being myself� (well i guess the "myself" being pre-marital status). It�s like wanting to hang out with friends but somehow or the other, I couldn�t or shouldn�t, at least not like the way I have before. And when I attempt to accommodate my old schedules/habits with my new ones, I�m the one ending up tired and bushed.

It is not quite as dramatic or overt as it sounds but the subtle differences and pressures do add up. Frankly I am not sure how to structure my priorities yet.
Which comes first?
To be true to myself?
To be a good wife?
To be a good daughter?
To be a good daughter in law?

Would it be unreasonable to place them in the order which I�ve rather instinctive typed out? Perhaps I am more egocentric than most.

I have only been married for 2 months (exactly, come 9th Nov) and I think I asked more than once, how is being married now work out better than when I was dating the hubby? Other than perhaps having more money in the bank account now that two people are contributing to expenses. We spent just as much time together (and in fact, have much less time for ourselves) and continue to do things that we do together while dating (come to think of it, we seem to do them less now because we have to work in other things such as dinner back at the in-laws).

Yet�
I do feel something good about being married that is quite difficult to articulate. A certain sense of security and that added �stress� when worrying about this recently-crowned most important person in my life is surprisingly quite� sweet (in a little wifey sort of way).

I am trying to get a handle on it and I won�t be surprised if I still get those �I can�t believe I�m married!� moments and get a chuckle out of it but certainly, it shouldn�t inspire any more sense of blind panic and wild anxiety.

That�s the theory anyway.